SORT OF SORTED

sometimes i feel satisfied thinking finally everything got sorted. like how i wanted it to be. there was so much cacophony of confusions around us that we weren't able to voice our own opinions. We were scared that if we spoke, we would be misheard or even worse, misheard. The fear let the volume of the cacophony increase, bleeding my ears and blasting the arteries of my hearts. I tolerated it. I tolerated the pain which i was feeling, and emphasis on 'i was feeling', because i really didn't know, what was actually causing it. sometimes i wanted to blame the other person, sometimes i thought it was me. ultimately, it was both of us. i wanted to cry so many times. but every time, i stopped myself. no, not the right time to cry. for what should i cry? nothing is wrong, right? but then there were some wrong in the right. it might have been a pleasant spring now but it had been once a bleak winter which witnessed a palette of emotions. from getting closer to platonic relation, till triggering and confusing state and finally, the sorting conversation. we had talked the other day how we really felt in the end. we weren't happy, that was for sure. but it was necessary to talk. otherwise, the cacophony inside our souls would have killed us. i kept my ears open but my mind closed. because i knew it would spew irrationality in the arena of logic and reasoning. there's a reason why emotions are called stupid. we made sure we weren't getting hurt. i assured them with my best smile. not really the best maybe, but at least, it was assuring. life had never been fair and i am pretty sure it won't be ever. but still, i had to give chances to others, to myself. we decided to respect each other's wishes and choices, and never let the cacophony be louder than our true words. i thought (even they did) that we'd cry in the end. but we didn't. which was a good thing as maturity was something we both shared. always. like-minded shit you see. maybe i was wrong, maybe they were wrong. or as we quoted, "we both were equally wrong and right." like that we sorted our words, our actions, our consequences. emotion was out of this conversation. only smiles and laughter were representing the bare minimum. logic and rational talks were the big winners. and i am actually grateful about it. no drama anymore. just clear as water. we had sorted it finally. and we felt lighter, freed from the cacophony. i was neutral. because i had lost the platonicity. i was made feel guilty about it earlier so i decided to scrap it off altogther. who cares in the end anyways? i told people we were fine. they were fine too. better than me always. but you see, logic and reason work till the point of a civilised discussion. there had to be emotion involved for a wild one. i didn't let it be wild. but somewhere, there was an irrational person sitting inside me, wanting to throw words at them and label them as the worst person to exist ever. because i felt bad mostly. hardly i had ever felt happy around them. and i know i am wrong to say this. but there isn't any right left to say. but somewhere, there was a soul begging them to return in my life, as they were initially, so loving, so caring, so good. but that was over-indulgence. and i agree. it is true, one shouldn't give hope to someone when you cannot promise to keep it alive. but it is hard to live without hope. you made live like that. i think i get too strong with my words at times. because i don't how to express it otherwise. okay i know how to express it. but my ego won't let me. every time my eyes feel a sting, i tightly shut them to the point of causing them pain, because, i don't want sympathy from the world. i don't need those consolation. it might feel good at first, but it gets tiring in the end, making feel weak and lost. but somewhere, there is something still unsorted. those are my tears unshed. slowly, weeping is becoming a need rather than a luxury. and i am afraid i will break down right when i am not expected to. expectation build the framework of our actions. and i had already messed up with the framework. i just feel like reversing back the time once again, to meet them once again and to care for them like i should have. to become like what they wished for, what i really wished for. its not like i am totally in the wrong. but, i am not perfect. i need to let the tears out, to finally free my soul from the jumbled up cacophony. because this time, they aren't here to listen to me. and i cannot expect them to be. the line connecting has got erased and only few dots are seen in the locus of what used to be a dark, deep line. you can feel the depth of this friendship, but you cannot see it anymore. it exists but isn't visible anymore. de jure friendship, platonicity denied. sorted in logics, unsorted in emotions. let it flow out before it drowns you. fin.